To my paternal grandmother

I was looking forward to my bidding results while getting ready to leave the house for my last project meeting this semester before my brother received a call from my cousin in Malaysia. My bro still thought she got the wrong number. My brother never knew them. In fact, he never knew daddy. My cousin didn't tell us anything but asked for my mum's handphone number. It was only when my mum got home that we knew of the matter. My paternal grandmother just passed away this morning. Age 89. Without any illness.

Hmms. What's my last memory of her? I only remember that she was already very old when we left more than 14 years ago. My last memory of her was probably a picture of her carrying my baby brother then. My paternal grandfather never like us. More like he never like my mum(cos she's a Singaporean?) so he seldom or probably never look at us in the eye before. I doubt he carried me before when I was a baby. My paternal grandmother was a submissive wife so she never dared to talk too much to us. I just remember that they spoke Hokkien very often. When I first came back to Singapore, I felt weird cos my maternal grandmother speaks Teochew. Ah well. All used to it now. She did try to contact us a few times behind my grandfather's back after we came back. My father's younger sister's family(all my cousins) are probably the only ones who bothered to try to locate us after we came back.

I feel really weird. I thought I have to go back now. I have never ever visited them after I left. This felt so weird. I felt so troubled the entire day. Frantically searching for flights and coaches for us to go back but in the end mum just told us not to worry and she gonna go back herself. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We have been talking about this since a long long time ago cos mum said that my paternal grandparents are getting old and we may have to go back real soon. Never did I expect the day to finally come and we ended up not going back. Bro's a grandson. He's supposed to be there to 'dai xiao'. I don't know. I really don't know. A part of me hope to see her for the last time. She's still my grandmother. Someone who probably took care of us a lil when we were young. I remember that she cooked for us before. But I feel scared. Just a sudden random sadness gushing in. If I am not wrong, it's the same house where my dad pass away. We stayed with my grandparents and my auntie's family during the last days of my dad. Never wanted to touch that part of the memories anymore. We left quite swiftly when everything settled down after my dad's funeral. I remembered every part of that. Every moment after my dad closed his eyes and my mum screamed. It feels really scary. We are probably considered as unfilial for not heading back for the last time.

I kept calling home from school the entire day, text my mum and ask if she's okay,... I settled her flight back to Penang since I figured that she will probably struggle with that. She's worried. She definitely has much more memories with my grandma and knowing my mum, she'll probably break down when she reached Penang. Maternal grandma feels kinda worried too. Haish. All of us are worried. I don't know what to feel since I haven't seen her for so long. Typing this probably makes me feel even more... At lost and unhappy. Hmms.



It's a peaceful one. So we should be happy for her.