Bee see

Project meetings, lessons, tests, assignment deadlines, project presentation and reports...
All these probably summarize what I'm up to these days. On top of that I have 2-3 tuition students. Stressful ones. Oh and a fun House lesson on Wednesday nights and driving lessons to begin as soon as I pass my Basic Theory Test by the end of this month. My life is... Pretty complete for now. I wanted to keep my mind occupied and before i knew it... Wowwww. Too many commitments now. But all these didn't really made me stop bothering over the stuff I wish I could stop thinking about. Most of them just add on to the ever growing list of things to be worried about. That probably explains how my migraine comes about.

I read this article on Long Distance Relationship(LDR) recently(okay. I probably read a lot of them but still...). They are talking about more of married couples and how they couldn't endure the distance and eventually chose to fly over and lead their lives together again. The advice that the article gave was that the separated couples should not assume that the other half understands them-the lives that they are leading, the people that they meet, their feelings and everything. They should always tell each other what is actually happening. In detail. Never assume. That often leads to misunderstandings and miscommunications and make both parties unhappy. Hmm. I guess that's how LDR couples often ended with a break-up or try to fix their relationship after the one who left returns. Especially those our age. Alvin and I probably tell each other every single thing. I often feel that the one who is staying behind feels the worst. In fact, it is definitely true. Then again, what about the one away? He/she has to keep updating his/her family and the other half their well being and at the same time still have fun with their friends. Most of us will think that it's always easy on their part. Hey! They are travelling around, having fun, encountering new experiences every single day. How difficult can their lives get? I get these kind of thoughts very often and felt so frustrated all the time. I still am. But as mentioned above, I'm so busy now. Busy is good. It's just sad that after you keyed in a ultra long message, all you get is really skimpy replies. I should be understanding towards that. This paragraph shall serve as a reminder to myself. It's just a sucky feeling every single time or probably every single day. I shouldn't talk too much actually. Hmm.

Reading those articles and the way some friends treat me got me thinking all the time. Am I independent? Can I live on my own? Can I survive on my own? My conclusion is that I always put on a false front in front of my family. To my family, I'm very independent. I am capable of making important decisions for myself. In fact, I help them analyze the situation and make important decisions. When I think that there's something wrong with myself in j2, I went to the emergency clinic at the hospital on my own 1 week before the last paper to get myself checked. I don't want my family to be worried about me. I can definitely do things on my own and they trust that I can settle things myself. I never ever bother them with anything within my means. I just bother them with tiny issues here and there that can't be decided by a 20-year-old by law. However, deep inside I don't like to be like that. I want to rely on people. I want people to care for me and share my troubles. Who I want to be and who I truly am are totally opposite. I tried to suppress a lot of emotions in the course of pretending to be someone people expect me to be. I want to exceed people's expectations of me and I don't want people to dislike me. I can definitely live on my own in some farfar away island if I am not attached. I don't mind leaving my family for a while. Of course closer friends know who I really am. Even to some friends who are not that too close to heart. "I don't think you are independent at all...", "you are just like a little girl...", "I bet you cry again over...",... It gets irritating when those friends see beyond what I want them to perceive me to be but I know I can still trust them and they never failed to be there for me. I get jealous easily, I'm kinda needy, I need to feel loved, I can be a lil sensitive, I need to feel your presence around,... I can't do this distance thing. I can curb all those jealousy and neediness when you are around but not anymore when you are so far away. Trying to do so makes me feel terrible.

Blogging from iPad. 45mins more to the next meeting~

Things to do tonight:
1) prepare for tax lesson tomorrow
2) FIIM research to prepare for meeting tomorrow
3) Read OB tb to prepare for Sat make up lesson(highly impossible cos I usually take 5 hours or more to prep for tax)

Tomorrow is really crazy especially with math an science tuition at 7-9pm. I still have to prepare for econs tuition tomorrow night cos I'll have to rush to amk to give tuition straight after mpw in school. Saturday is always a whole day of rushing. Le sighs.