Wordy post

This pretty much sums up how I felt towards exchange so far. Somehow, I find it tiring to speak to Europeans as they are not strong in English and most of the time, they take time to process what you are talking about and need time to reply to you. && most importantly, discrimination still very much exists around here against Asians and sometimes it's hard to trust those who are really getting too friendly occasionally and ignore you most of the time. I have to wonder what kind of inside joke they make of us too. It's better to be safe than getting hurt. The trick is to still be friendly and nice to them but don't get too emotionally attached. I am so glad to have found Weiyi and Po. If not, I'll really be a loner. Haha. Other than weekend, I am on my own all the time. Head to school alone, sit in class at a corner alone, have meals alone, shop alone and even back in the apartment, I am pretty much in my room alone. I do enjoy the solitude and personal space I have (I crave for even more in my apartment of 10) but it just gave me too much time to think if all aspects of my life which can be dangerous sometimes because I used to make a lot of rash decisions after all those thinking.

I pretty much realise that no one can force me to do what I don't want to do anymore. I am 22, with one mod left after this semester, ready to graduate. Making the decision to come to Lisbon (which is not my first 5 choices) was pretty much because of peer pressure, which I deeply regretted, but really thankful for the experiences so far. Going to Algarve was a rash decision made, thinking that it will be a fun school trip, which turns out quite the opposite and we decided to skip the water themepark even though we paid for it (if possible, we were already thinking of not going Portimao at all). People will then say, "Oh, you think you very rich ah? Pay for activities but skip it in the end." If we have known what was coming, we won't even pay for it. The same goes for changing the ticket back home. It was a cost I already thought I'll incur before I come here. My school didn't release the exam dates beforehand I have to book the tickets to apply for student visa. Of course, I have to book it till this semester here officially ended. Now that I know I can actually go back about 2 weeks earlier than expected, of course I'll do anything to go back to Singapore to escape winter and the dirty house. So even if it meant travelling less (which is already happening), and paying a lot more to get back earlier, I'll do it. Most likely I'll be flying back on the 18th of Jan, waiting for replies from STA Travel regarding the additional costs and my landlord regarding handover of room and keys. My mum will be overjoyed (I am glad that someone actually wants me to be back). “不习惯就回来吧！不要留在那里了。” I wish! I nearly cried when my mum said that cos I was really not loving it here. She told me that when we Facetime the day after I got here, with my baggage gone. She even wanted to give me back the money I spent on booking the Madrid trip so I didn't have to go even when I totally didn't have the mood to travel. Sometimes you really don't have to use cost-benefit analysis for everything, such tiny emotional acts touched and cheer me up the most. Even a little texts of concern for my safety from some of my friends while I was travelling alone in Madrid makes me really happy:')

For a long time I felt that a part of me is not fulfilled. I don't know how to put it properly in words but I like to see and feel little acts of love and concern. That's just how I am. I need a lot of attention from my boyfriend. This is something I will never really have because, to put it explicitly, I have a blockhead and realistic boyfriend. I am thankful and felt so blessed for having a 'backoffice' to settle all my exchange woes. But that's about it. Many friends have asked about how's my relationship and stuff since I don't really talk about it. It's not our first LDR. I know what are the things that make me unhappy when we are apart but after so many times, the same thing still happens and I won't bore you out by spamming those emotional posts that reflect badly on  myself. Guys of the same age will think that I am too mature and even old because, for example, I don't do things like posting a long post with a picture of my boyfriend and me saying how much I love him or miss him. Somehow because most of the stuff we talk about ended up in some form of cost-benefit analysis (if we ever talk), I learn to be even more defensive, closed up and nonchalant regarding relationship stuff. I wish I could be myself, or my old self, and do such stuff but somehow the nature of the relationship just makes me want to prove that I don't need these kind of frills and that I am independent and strong. I learnt how to put up a front and act as though I don't need this kind of things. But in actual fact, I really wish to be one of those girls. && I wonder when will what I like and what I should be finally converged and I'll be happy again.


Ah, anyway, I am glad to have found like-minded travel partner. Can't wait for Spain trip in the coming week! :)